If you think that all of this happened because nobody paid attention to my characters, that I feel this way because of that, then I understand now why everyone is so hostile towards me.

In response to the note I got, I'll be taking out names to preserve privacy.


I tried to be your friend, I always did. Those many months ago when you went semi inactive from FAE, because of the small argument we had over Leader, I felt terrible. I felt terrible because I thought I had done something to hurt you, and that had never been my intention.

So I approached you and I apologized. I told you that I was sorry, that I didn't mean to do anything to harm you, and that I didn't want you to leave because you were important. Because people cared about you and we didn't want you to leave.

And if that's not wanting to be your friend? The laughs we shared through voice chat? The stupid jokes, everything?

Was that just nothing to you?

You say I didn't know most of you?
I talked to, let's call her A, every single day.

The thought of being able to talk to A gave me hope that tomorrow would be better.

For crying out loud, knowing that I could talk to her the next day kept me from jumping out of a car going 60 miles an hour in the middle of a road.

In that journal, I said how wrong I was. I said how I was feeling at the time.

A war is not fought with one side.

I had admitted to everyone after A approached the group with how I was feeling. And that's where everything started.

Everything started by nobody, including myself, doing anything to fix the problem. I distanced myself, everybody left me alone, and by nature, I felt like nobody cared, when it was most likely not actually true. I doubt it's true. I'm positive it wasn't true.

But the problem wasn't fixed, we all left it to fester and grow and get worse.

I'm not making the same mistake, because if I had, I'd have gone into that like I did the week after I left the chat.

I'd have said with an attitude about how everybody was a jerk, how everybody was a heartless idiot.

But I didn't do that.

What the biggest problem was the fact that we didn't confront the problem.
At the moment I was being an emotional idiot. I was letting my emotions talk for me.

And these many months later I was finally able to step away enough from what I did to understand that a lot of what I did was disgusting. That I didn't take into consideration what others were feeling, what they are feeling, because I was thinking of myself.

But a war isn't fought with one side.

It's fought with two.

Nobody did anything to fix the glaring problem that was in front of us, including myself, so I kept on distancing myself.

I know people aren't robots, and the entire problem didn't stem off just my characters.

It stemmed off of how I was treated at the time.

People aren't perfect, and I'm even less so.

I make mistakes, I make blunders.

I forget that I'm not the only one hurting.

But that was also why I never wanted anybody to know why I was hurting.

If A had never told everybody how I was feeling, I'm more than positive that everything would have been avoided.

Because of my sick and demented way of thinking of expectation. Expectation that once people know what the problem is, that they'll move towards fixing it.

I've come to accept that I have an unrealistic sense of what friendship is because of how I was raised.

And because of it I've always had trouble keeping friends.

Please don't say that I never loved you guys, because it's not true.
What hurt me was how everybody reacted when I was hurt, when you know I was hurt.

And that reaction was nothing.

There was nothing.

When, let's call her B, was hurting, I tried my best to comfort her.
Outside of the group chat, when A talked about her problems, I tried to comfort her.
When, let's call her C, was going through hell and feeling horrible, I told her it was okay, that life always took priority.
When you went on a small hiatus from F.A.E. I approached you and said I was sorry if I hurt you.

I posted that journal because I wanted you to know my side. My sick and demented way of thinking. My disgusting way of thinking at the time.

I hurt you.

But you guys also hurt me. And we all have to accept that.

I've accepted that I have a sick and disgusting way of thinking.
I've accepted that I have an unrealistic sense of what friendship should be and need to work towards fixing that.

So please don't say that I never loved you, because it's not true.

A war isn't fought with one side.

It's fought with two.

Will I regret this journal? Maybe. Will I make people angry with this journal? Perhaps.

But I've gone long enough feeling like the lowest of the low, feeling like death would be a better option for me than having to deal with these feelings I have now and keeping it all in.

I'm tired of having to hold my tongue because I don't want to offend anybody. Perhaps waiting this long has given me the opportunity, now, to be able to see it a bit more clearly than see it emotionally, so I hope to be able to make this journal in a way that isn't just driven by my emotions, but driven in a way for people to understand why I decided to leave that group, why I've entered my lowest point in all of my 23 years, and why I decided to abandon this account.

If you don't want to read a huge journal, now's your chance to turn back.


You see, I have a problem. I have a mental problem in where I fear nothing more than getting hurt by people, but am even more terrified of being left alone.

I have never been diagnosed with depression because I'm a pathological liar whenever I go to the doctor's. I'm pretty sure I have just about every single symptom in the book that describes medical depression, but because I hate people worrying about me, I say nothing. It's not just with my mental state, but it also has to do with my physical state.

Last year around New Year's we were going to Mexico and I got an upset stomach, most likely due to dehydration. During that time, I said nothing to anybody, until I couldn't stand upright because of how much it hurt. So it's not just with my mental state, it has to do with almost everything I do. I don't like making people worry, I don't like people knowing about what ails me. But it's not just because of that.

The other reason is because: The moment you know something's going on, you're going to expect something to change, right? The problem has been identified, so now we have to work on a solution, right? I'll get back to this in a moment.

So, me telling the two mods, at the time A and B, about how I was feeling in the group, that took a lot of courage from me. I really didn't want to, but I did, anyways. Why? Because not only did I love the group, but I really loved A and B. At that time, they were two of my most precious friends. I knew both of them were going through tough times, and I knew that they were people I didn't want to lose. So maybe it wouldn't have hurt for me to say something, for me to admit why I was slowly distancing myself. Because they had a right to know.

What I didn't expect, however, was for B to tell the entire group.

And this is where that thing I said above comes back into play.

You knew what was going on... So now I was expecting people to try to fix it.

I had a huge discussion with many members of the group, some claiming that they wouldn't have the guts to talk to me again after I left, others saying that they wouldn't let me leave. I told them that I was feeling like a piece of trash. I told them that I didn't feel like I belonged, like nobody wanted me there, much less needed me.

But then the others started talking about their own problems in a way to relate to me.

My issue with that, however... Is that I have a self-defeatist sense of being. I know my problems aren't that extreme. I know that you absolutely cannot compare passing out due to anxiety, that you can't compare having a deadbeat dad who was never present in your life to somebody who's feeling alone because of a group. You can NOT compare a paper cut to a broken limb. Mine was a paper cut, everybody else's was a broken limb.

And I don't like being reminded that my problems are stupid, that they're petty. I know you had good intentions, but it only made me feel worse.

So I left the group chat, saying I "don't want to talk about this any more."

A week had passed, and nobody said anything to me.

"You knew what was going on... So now I was expecting people to try to fix it."

And after that week passed, I lashed out in a journal, claiming that they had proved all my paranoias correct. But I know it was wrong, and I found out later that everyone had been told to "give me some space." I apologized later, but it still hurt.

Because what I meant to say was: I told you guys that I felt like nobody cared about me... So why would you leave me alone when I left? I never wanted space. I had never asked for space. The one who decided 'I wanted space' was never me, it had been B. So if you're under the impression that I left because of that, it's wrong. I never asked for you to leave me alone. It was at that point that I edited my journal and apologized for my behavior...

But it hurt, it still still hurt.

... My biggest problem is the whole stupid "treat others the way you want to be treated." .... Because I of the way I act, I, in turn, have a huge expectation that everyone else be that way, too.

I was expecting people to come and reach out to me... And yet nobody did. I know it's wrong to think that way... It's borderline disgusting to think that way... But my mind at the time kept on repeating: "They know what's bothering me... Why won't they say anything?"

More time passed, and by now, I had just about decided that F.A.E. was no longer for me.

I tried to get back in, but I couldn't get passed my emotions. I saw how happily everybody was getting along, and after about a month hiatus, I just couldn't figure out a way to go back in. Any effort to include me felt like I was just the elephant in the room and people only invited me 'cuz they didn't want to offend me. That's how I felt at the time, but I doubt it's how people really felt.

You see, this is where the "scared of being hurt, but even more terrified of being alone" thing comes in.

The more attached I grow to something, the more scared I get about it. The more I fear that I was never wanted, that nobody cares about me, the more I feel like I never belonged. Because I love it, I love it so much, but I'm scared of hurting it, and I'm scared of being hurt by it.

And that's what happened to F.A.E.... Except it had already begun to hurt me.

Slowly, I started being able to communicate less with some of the members, more specifically B.

B, whether you're reading this or not, I want you to know that I loved you like a sister. To me, you were my lifeline. To me, B, you were an extremely bright light in my life that gave me the will to keep living.

And when our conversations no longer ended in "goodbyes," I felt hurt.

Because I didn't want to lose you.

I wanted to keep being your friend. I wanted to keep talking to you.

I didn't want to lose you.

But by that point, I had already decided that I was going to leave... And that probably hurt you a lot, too.

What I didn't factor in, however... Was a conversation I would later have with another member... C.

When I talked to him, I came to the realization... Maybe it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm not extremely active, but I know that at least this person wants me to stay... The members didn't know I was going to leave, only B and A did, so it wouldn't hurt if I ended up staying, right?

And that's where I didn't factor in B's feelings.

I admitted to her that maybe I didn't want to leave.

... And that was the final trigger to my inevitable departure.

I have said many times that I was going to stay, going to leave, going to stay... So that probably, undoubtedly left a semi sour taste in your mouth. I'm not sure. I have no idea what it was, but what I do know was that my talk of staying didn't go well.

... And so, I decided to leave.

If my presence was enough to cause a sense of unease within even just one member, if my leaving the group was going to cause a friendship I valued more than my own life to end... Then clearly I should just leave.

But at the time I also felt as if everything had been my fault. I felt as if I had no right to feel hurt because somebody else was hurting more. Like my problems were my own fault and I had no right to talk about them, that they didn't even matter. And because of that, I knew that perhaps it'd be better for me to leave.

Because to me, that group had begun to become toxic.

If it was just going to continue to make me feel more and more like trash, then I needed to get out of there.

That was how I felt at the time.

So I finished up a few things...

And then came the day in which I announced my leave.

What I wasn't expecting, however, was for the "New Mod" application to come out practically the same day, and for over five apps to be turned in right away.

And for nobody to say goodbye.

That moment for me was the most painful moment in my entire life. That moment for me was the moment in which I realized that in this world, not everybody is going to see you the same way you see them.

I realized that even if I value them more than my own life, to them, I may just be a friend who won't have any real impact if I leave their life.

I realized that I was never as important as I thought I may be in their eyes.

And then when the person who had specifically told me she'd never talk to me again if I left was appointed mod? That the current mods hadn't asked ME to partake in choosing the new mod? When the new mod was going to replace ME, and MY guild? I felt like nothing.

Like I never mattered.

And then began my downward spiral.

I began to feel these feelings of resentment, borderline hate. I started to absolutely despise everything. I started to hate myself even more than I've ever hated myself before.

My logic for that was: "F.A.E. never would have existed without me. F.A.E. could have never been a thing had I not wanted to make the group... So why? Why does nobody care that I left?"

For me, it felt like I was nothing more than a microbe floating in the air, only noticeable when you look in the sunlight.

I wasn't even trash, because somebody may have decided to pick it up and toss it in the bin.

For me, it felt like I had been stabbed in the back multiple times by people I loved.

It hurt. It hurt me so, so much. So I posted a journal saying I had to take a small break from deviantart.

One person reached out to me, just one, and that person was D. During that time, I had already been talking to C somewhat casually... But I still felt like crap.

So even now, I don't really think I can get along with you as well as I once did, D.

The way I phrased it to C when I was admitting to him my feelings about F.A.E. was this:

"You have a group of seven people. Number One created the group, they brought everybody together and a friendship group was created.

But then, two through five started beating Number One. They began to torment and torture Number One, and Number Six and Seven simply stood by and watched.

So Number One left, and Six and Seven remained in the group."

That is what it felt like to me. It felt like I was a victim, and that these two people who still bother talking to me had simply watched but did nothing about what happened. They personally knew how I felt because I talked to them after the fact...

But still, they did nothing.

But I tried to put it behind me. I tried not to let that get in the way of these friendships that I could preserve.

But yet, as time passed, I realized that any mention of the group caused my arms to go numb, my body to start trembling, and my temperature to lower.

I still resented the group.

The worst part was that at the start, I had dreams in which I was hoping the group would die and fade away.

So seeing it still be active today feels like a huge stab in the back.

I have had thoughts of wanting to go in and erasing every journal, but I know that's stupid. I've gone in and claimed creative rights to the group only because it wouldn't exist without me and the majority of the premise of F.A.E. was based off a story I started many years ago.

But I would discover small things, like my world-building journals being deleted. The rules that had once been in Leader's voice being re-written...

Many of the small world-building projects I had been working on by myself previous to leaving had been expanded on without my permission.

It felt as though they were trying to erase my presence.

I have talked to only three people from the group since.

Those three are A, C, and D.

The only ones who know almost everything about how I felt were A and C, but many of it I also simply kept hidden away.

One of those things being my feeling of awkwardness talking to people I love with all my heart still being in this group that left such a deep hole in my heart. I feel like it would be easier for me to stop being friends with you, but at the same time I don't want to lose you guys. I ask myself if you even see me as a friend, or just as some pathetic lump that you've come to pity. I don't want to feel that way, but try as I might, it's incredibly difficult to stop feeling that way.

As a friend outside of this whole mess told me today: "there's no rule that says the logical response is the one your feelings will pick, unfortunately."

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it stems off from my very personality.

I am scared of being hurt, but even more terrified of being alone.

F.A.E. not only hurt me, but it also left me alone.

And because of it, I resent it. I don't want to resent it. I want to remember it for the good memories we had together, but I just can't.

I've been at my all-time low in all of my 23 years of living. I've learned that I'm an escapist and run away to my mind, to my characters in order to avoid the reality of my feelings.

I've learned that it's become a point of addiction much like alcohol is to an alcoholic.

I have never said anything because I didn't want to hurt anybody, but I wanted them to know, I wanted them to know that I've contemplated killing myself because of how much I hurt and so they could know how much I hurt. I wanted to go back in time and delete the entire group, I wanted to do so many stupid things...

But I didn't. Luckily because of the friend I quoted from above. A voice a reason, you could say.

And that's why I resent F.A.E..

I loved the people, I loved the group, but to this day I feel like all of the feelings I had about feeling like nothing had been true. I don't want to think that way, because I know everybody has their own problems, because I know that sometimes nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room as to not disturb the peace.

In hindsight, I didn't have to leave. I never had any obligation to leave, because it was MY group. But that's the past, and we can't change that.

So I wanted you guys to know that it hurt me. I want you guys to know that I hurt.

And I wanted to get this off my chest in a not-overly-emotional manner so that you could understand why I left the group, why I resent it...

Why I don't want to resent it.

Will I regret posting this? Maybe. I tried to make it as calm as I could, but something like this isn't exactly easy to go about writing in a completely logical point of view.

I have been hurting for a long time, and I hate myself so much, that I want to finally just get over it.

I want closure.

And I want you guys to know how I really felt.

Whether anybody reads it or not, I don't know...

I just want you guys to know.

I'm sorry for any trouble I may have caused.

I apologize for my behavior in the past.

I'm sorry.

I loved you, F.A.E.. I loved the people in F.A.E.. But learning that perhaps not everybody loved me as I loved them hurt...

And once again...

I apologize.

Loss is a part of life, and it's time for me to let go.

Thank you everyone for being a part of this ride with me.

What do I do for it.

For the past few months I've been stumped at what to do for my NaNo

1. Forgiven, Sanjuro's story

2. Story-fy that one dream I had

3. All of my dragon bios |D

4. Add 50k more words to last year's

5. The Waltz - Chris' story

6. Completely make something up as I go

7. Hardcore world-building (super SUPER in-depth) for the Coreverse (previously known as the FAEverse)

R/N, 1, 4, 6, and 7 are the most likely and I've already got a start on the world-building, but
I donut know OTL

ugh


are you doing NaNo this year?

I wonder if one day I'll explode because of how much I keep in.

Ha.

...