((warning, this is a rant post, so it may get really long. just need to get this out of my system))
Character making skills.
I don't know.
Sometimes it's just this feeling where it feels as though I create nothing more than flat good-for-nothing nothings with names and a bio plastered onto them. I feel as though my babies don't have any dimensionality to them, nothing that people can like about them.
I feel as though I've failed my babies because they have nothing, because they're nothing that nobody can like.
But at the same time I just love my babies so much, because my characters are a part of me and if they're flat...does that mean I'm a dull person? If they're boring, does that mean I'm boring? If I can't make them interesting, does that mean that I'm not interesting?
So I cradle my babies and try to figure out what's wrong with them, I try to figure out why people may not like them and I change them. Sometimes I change them so much that they're no longer the babies I loved so much, and I feel as though I hurt them. So I go back to the way they were.
Maybe I try too hard to get people to like my characters, because I know they have more of a life than I do. I feel as though they deserve a better chance than I do even if I put them through living hell. I don't do it because I hate them--I do it because I want to see them grow as characters, to grow as people
. To surpass these obstacles that stand in their way--to fall in love, to have children or to live happily with whomever they love. For them to grow old, or to be reunited with those they love so much.
My characters are my children. And I love them all so very, so very very much. So when they're looked over, I feel their pain. I feel their loneliness, and I feel as though I've failed them. I feel as though I didn't give them the things that they truly needed in order to grow into something more. But even then, I still love them so much. But what use is it if only I love them? If a child only has a loving mother and knows no love in the outside world...will they ever grow?
Will they be alone, forever?
I contemplate this a lot, because my characters mean so much to me. That's the reason I have 400 and counting, because I want to see so many different characters grow, I want to see so many different characters walk their own path or ruin the lives of another--*glares at a certain few characters*...
...But I question my character-making skills.
I question my ability to make people see them as I do.
I question my ability to give them justice.
I question everything.
So sometimes I simply don't know.
I make the characters for myself, but I want people to know...I want people to love these characters as much as I do. I want to put them out in the world and go through things and suffer and love and be happy and sad. I want my babies to feel everything...
But if nobody likes them...they'll never get the chance.
I've failed my babies and that only makes me sad.
Currently I'm in a roleplay in which Othello, Diantha, and Worm are all in. Othello and Worm are both supers in it, and Diantha is a regular civilian with an alter-ego much like Batman.
Othello is an asexual, panromantic mute gamer who makes his living off of beta game tests. Diantha is a heterosexual transwoman who teaches at a college as a literature teacher and fights crime at night. Worm is a regenerating, masochistic, intersexed super with no libido who was sold off to the black market at the age of 3 and used for endless organ harvesting until they were busted by the police when she was 16. She's 18 now and she works both as a decoy and as first-response on the Police Force.
...so I made it priority in myself to make sure all my characters were varied. I've never made a pansexual/panromantic character before, nor have I ever made a trans* character. I've got about 5 intersexed characters now but Worm is the only one who identifies as an actual gender.
Othello is an introverted, kind soul who misses his later mother. Dia is a passionate teacher who wants to prove herself to the world and get rid of the crime in the world. Worm is an illiterate teenager who just wants to be the child she could never be.
And I love them all very, very, much. But sometimes I get the feeling that because of the fact that I drew them, that I didn't use a face claim as I used to when I roleplayed on Gaia, that people don't like them as much. After I talked with a friend about making a roleplay (namely *MunchlaxOnDaRocks
), I started to grow uncomfortable to use other people's artwork to use as a face claim for my characters, and hence the reason for my drawing them--why you have seen me submit artwork of these characters who seemed to have come out of nowhere.
But the more I think about it, the more weak--the more I feel scared that I've created failures. That I didn't succeed in making characters that people can like.
When the others talk about my characters it feels forced--save for maybe from two or three other roleplayers in that group. And that hurts. I don't want people to include me because they don't want me to feel left out. I want them to include me because they care
. I want them to talk about my characters not because I'm there and they don't want to sound as though they're not acknowledging my characters and my existence--but rather because they like my characters.
So sometimes I get lost, I feel confused, disoriented, and sad.
But not for myself.
I feel sad for my characters. Whom I spent hours upon hours imagining how they live their lives, what they went through when they were younger, what they may possibly go though in the roleplay. I want people to like them as much as I do--to know them the way I do, like any parent does for their children. So when nobody acknowledges their existence...
I feel as though I've failed them. No...I have